Class C, the one with three specific deadlines, did the best. Class B, which had to pick deadlines ahead of time but had complete freedom, did the second best, and the group whose only deadline was the last day, Class A, did the worst.
What can we learn from this experiment about procrastination? The students who could pick any three deadlines (B) tended to spread them out. They expected that they would procrastinate, so they naturally set up different deadlines. That way, they wouldn’t be working on all three papers at the last minute.

The students who had no choice at all about the deadlines (Group C – the deadlines were spread out for them) actually did slightly better. The Students with no guidelines at all (A) tended to put off their work until the last week for all three papers. They did the worst.

So if you know that you procrastinate on particular kinds of tasks, you are actually better off because you have the ability to set up an approach that factors in your tendency to procrastinate. But the real difference between coping with procrastination and overcoming it is . . . feelings!

Most procrastination is caused by a tendency to make a decision, in the present moment, based on what we feel like doing at that moment. And if we don’t feel like doing something NOW, then we’re not likely to feel like doing it later, because (are you following this?) later will just be another NOW.

If you don’t feel like doing your taxes NOW, just accept that you’ll probably never feel like doing them. So the fundamental change we need is a shift from a feeling-centered approach to decisions to a purpose-centered approach. The question isn’t “what do I feel like doing?” but, rather, “what needs to be done?” All the time management systems in the world won’t really help us very much until we’ve developed the capacity to make decisions based on purpose rather than feelings. And this is one of the reasons that Morita therapy is so valuable. It teaches us how to do that. We learn that we can coexist with our feelings and take them along for the ride. We don’t fight them. We don’t fix them. We don’t transform them. We coexist with them, while we move forward and do what’s important for us to do.

Fortunately, there are many good strategies and tools out there for getting ourselves organized and for staying on task and, thanks to the internet, they are at our fingertips. Here’s a summary of several of the popular methods. But unfortunately, that’s not all we need. Though the tools and systems may be solid, our follow through with them often is not. Life is jam-packed with unpredictables and unexpecteds, and we are vulnerable to distractions of every sort. We’re not robots, and life is not simple.

But having said that, there’s plenty we can learn to help us get where we want to go and to arrive there on time. Much of it has to do with our feelings. Learning how to coexist with feelings, including our desires and aversions, can make a huge difference. With practice, we can make decisions based on our purpose and our plans, rather than being vulnerable to the whims of our internal experiences as it rises and falls over time.

The ToDo Institute has created a distance learning program called Taking Action to help us strengthen our skills in this important arena. The program provides practical opportunities to study the principles of Morita Therapy as they relate to procrastination and getting things done. You will have access to readings on the subject and an online discussion with others around the country during the course of the month. And it’s all framed around your own special project that you commit to – something that you‘ve been meaning to get around to for some time and that you’ll tackle as part of the program.

So the program provides education, opportunities for practice and the structure and support to make progress with a project that you care about. Please join us for a month-long adventure in getting things done. It can make a real difference in the way you live your life and the things you accomplish during the remainder of your thirty thousand days. You can register here or call 800-950-6034 for further information.

Caine is an nine year old boy who builds an arcade in an auto parts store in East L.A.  It’s a sweet story that will warm your heart, but there’s more here than meets the eye.  Caine is like a miniature Zen teacher as he goes about building his cardboard business.  Why cardboard?  Because that’s what he has to work with.  His father’s auto parts store has boxes in abundance.  So Caine uses boxes to build his dream store.  The Zen cook, Edward Espe Brown, would begin preparing the meal with the question, “What do we have here?”  It’s an elegant way to approach any situation.  We look around and then we begin cooking with the ingredients at hand.  For Caine, that’s cardboard.  But his attention to detail is superb.  He even has calculators attached to the individual arcade games so he can check the security codes of the customer’s fun passes.  He creates everything he needs and is only missing one thing: customers.  But that doesn’t faze him.  Day after day he tinkers, cleans, sweeps and tries in vain to attract auto parts customers to his arcade.  Nobody comes.  But that’s not in his control.  He just does what he needs to do. It’s hard to imagine a spiritual teacher with more grace, cheerfulness and goodwill than this little boy.

The other way to understand Caine’s Arcade is from the perspective of his first customer – Nirvan Mullick.  Nirvan arrives to purchase a part for his old Toyota.  Entranced by the arcade, he buys a “fun pass” for $2 and begins playing.  Caine is thrilled!  Later Nirvan asks Caine’s father if he can make a little movie about Caine and his arcade.  His father agrees, but is embarrassed when he admits that Nirvan is Caine’s only patron.  I won’t spoil the rest for you, but Nirvan changes this boy’s life.  Not only does he make Caine famous (2 million views on youtube) but what you don’t see in the film is scholarship that Nirvan establishes for the boy which grows to more than $80,000 $164,000.  Nirvan’s heart – Caine’s smile. They make a great team.

Do you have a dream?  Start building it.  “What do we have here?”

One important reason is that sadness can help us to connect with our tender hearts. It is our tender-heartedness that opens us to life and softens our day-to-day veneer. It is our tender-heartedness that reminds us of essential things, such as life and death, and the importance of lovingkindness.

Atsushi Chiba is the hero of this story. Without such heartbreaking conditions, he may not have tapped into the ocean of compassion that was within him. He may not have known it was there.

Take a few moments to learn about the love and generosity that he demonstrated. His honor and magnanimity, his commitment and decency, are a gift to us all. May we remember and be inspired by his goodness when we stumble upon hardship and tragedy in our own lives or those of others. When our hearts are tender, the distinction between strangers and family doesn’t hold up too well. Or rather, we all become family. It is one of the blessings of deep and profound sorrow.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/11/world/asia/a-year-later-undertakers-story-offers-japan-hope.html

Both gratitude and criticism rest on a foundation of attention. For us to express  appreciation to our partner, we must first notice that she did something to support or help us.  If I notice that my wife made the bed this morning, then I can let her know that I appreciate it.  But if I don’t notice, then I have no basis for thanking her.

Now why wouldn’t I notice it?  Well . . . my attention may be occupied elsewhere.  I may be noticing something she did to cause me difficulty or inconvenience.  Perhaps there was no coffee left when I went to brew a fresh pot of coffee this morning.  If my attention is on the fact that she didn’t get a bag of ground coffee when she was at the store yesterday, then I may not notice that she made the bed, or that she dusted the piano.  Once I notice that there’s no coffee I may end up making a critical comment: “How come there’s no coffee?  Didn’t you go shopping yesterday?  How come you didn’t buy coffee?”  This type of comment isn’t likely to cause a divorce.  But what can happen, if you’re not careful, is that your conversation becomes dominated by such comments and that expressions of gratitude are limited.  It’s not that there’s no basis for expressing thanks – there’s plenty of things your spouse does every day that benefit you.  It’s just that you’re noticing, and commenting on, the ways she’s causing you trouble or inconvenience.

We would generally think of “ingratitude” as being the opposite of “gratitude.”  But when we realize that both criticism and gratitude are grounded in a foundation of attention, we see that criticism is actually the opposite of gratitude.

This isn’t just about intimate relationships.  It’s about our entire approach to life.  Where is your attention?  Do you go throughout the day noticing, and commenting on, problems?  If this is the normal path of your attention, then you’re missing all the ways in which the world is supporting or caring for you.  Unfortunately, your mind has several things going against it.  First, the more familiar you are with something, the less likely you are to notice it.  If your car starts right up every morning when you drive the kids to school, you are less likely to notice and have a sense of appreciation for your car starting.  You just naturally expect it to do so.  Second, your brain has a built in “negative bias.”  I’ve discussed this in another blog post (A Cup of Negativi-tea).  Essentially, your brain naturally gravitates towards noticing problems and difficulties.  So if you don’t consciously work with your awareness, this is where you are likely to end up.

The whole field of neuroscience is very popular right now. We’ve learned a lot in the past ten years about how our brain works and why it does what it does.  Some of these ideas are truly fascinating (i.e. neuroplasticity) but knowing this information is relatively useless unless we actually practice something in real life that helps us become more skillful with our attention.  Otherwise it’s like reading a lot of books on automotive engine repair.  You know a lot about how your car works, but it’s still broken because, ultimately, you have to get your hands dirty and work on the car if it’s going to run properly.

On April 4^th, I’m teaching the ToDo Institute’s annual program on “Working with your Attention.”  This 30 day distance learning program is where you actually practice working with your attention on a daily basis.  The goal is not just to learn about how your attention works, but to become more skillful in using your attention in your life.  We usually have 50-100 people from all over the world.  It’s fun, fascinating and practical.  One of our maxims is, “Your experience of life is not based on your life, but on what you’re paying attention to.”

Most of us spend a great deal of energy trying to change, or improve, our circumstances.  But our joy and suffering are more related to how we use our attention, than to the objective circumstances of our life.

A few years ago I had a jaw-clenching problem. For whatever reason, I started clenching my jaw during the day, and the more I did it, the more I did it. I tried to stop, to resist the urge, to distract myself, but I just felt compelled to clench my jaw. I didn’t know what was prompting me to do this and I didn’t know how to stop.

One moment when I felt particularly helpless to bring about a change with this behavior, I decided to work with mindful breathing. I sat down and led myself through ten very deep, very slow, very mindful breaths. I saturated myself with breath and unified the entire focus of my bodymind on those breaths. I am hesitant to tell you what happened for fear of losing credibility with you but, here it is — I never clenched my jaw again. Not even one more time and it’s been a couple of years (okay, a few days ago I did feel that familiar urge at which point I promptly stopped what I was doing to take some mindful breaths). I don’t know how to explain it, but that’s what happened.

I have also come to rely on the power of breath to help me during moments of reactivity. When something provocative comes up, our reactions can be so immediate. It all happens so quickly, doesn’t it? How do we interfere with the instinctive urge to react in the moment?

Our breath can transport us right past our initial reactions, guiding us beyond the knot and toward our center on the other side of the provocation. Breath can help us to find the “pause between stimulus and response” that can make all the difference in how we conduct ourselves and, ultimately, how things unfold. Trying to press the pause button without mindful breathing is much harder to do.

Breath revitalizes, balances, soothes and settles. It can liberate us from the tyranny of our own reactivity if we use it with focus and intention. And what do we have to lose — it’s free, pleasant, convenient, inconspicuous and makes us feel more alive. Let’s hear it for breathing and for finding the pause that can make all the difference. Leo Babauta also has some thoughts to share about the pause upon which all else relies.

Research is now showing that you can get great benefits from exercise with less time than most people thought.  Traditionally we’ve been told that a good exercise regimen involved moderate exercise for 20-30 minutes, 4-5 times per week.  But there’s another approach to fitness that requires as little as 4 minutes per day.  It’s called High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT).  Top athletes have been doing interval training for years, so it’s nothing new.  But the studies that are coming out are revealing.

In Japan, the National Institute of Fitness and Sports in Tokyo studied to groups of people who exercised.  The first group did one hour of moderate, steady-state exercise 5x per week.  The second group did 4 minutes of interval training 5x per week.  That’s right – only 4 minutes per day.  After six weeks, group 1 showed an increase in aerobic capacity of 10%, but group 2 showed a 14% increase.  In addition, group 1 showed no increase in strength, while group 2 showed a 28% increase in strength.  The four-minute/per day group was stronger and more fit than the one hour per day group.  When I first saw this study described in Mark Lauren’s book, You Are Your Own Gym, I was skeptical.

But then I saw similar research cited in the NY Times.  They referenced researchers in Canada who studied unfit but otherwise healthy middle-aged adults.  “Two weeks of modified HIIT training prompted the creation of far more cellular proteins involved in energy production and oxygen. The training also improved the volunteers’ insulin sensitivity and blood sugar regulation, lowering their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes.”  They’ve actually studied people with diabetes and heart disease and they find that the HIIT exercise provides the same or better results than longer periods of moderate exercise.

So what actually is HIIT.  Well, in the Canadian study it involved exercising on a stationary bike for one minute at 90% of your maximum heart rate.  That means you are really pushing yourself – but just for one minute.  Then you rest (pedal slowly) for one minute.  Then you push yourself again, for one minute.  That’s why it’s called “interval” training.  One minute on – one minute off.  Participants in the Canadian study did ten one-minute periods of high intensity exercise (10 minutes) compared to a total of 4 minutes for those in the Japan study.

I found this information fascinating so I decided to give it a try.  We have a stationary bike here at the ToDo Institute, so I jumped on and had Linda time my intervals.  On your mark, get set, go!  I pedaled as hard as I could.  I felt my heart racing and even before a minute was up, I could feel the muscles in my legs burning.  After a minute, I slowed down for a minute of rest.  I needed it because I was exhausted!.  Then, almost immediately, it was time for the second interval.  I did my best to pedal hard, but my strength and stamina were less than what they were two minutes ago.  So while ten one minute periods of exercise sounds easy, it’s not, if you’re really pushing yourself.  I’m determined to work with this approach for the next few weeks to see what type of impact it has on my health and fitness levels.  It’s hard to avoid exercise when a minimum workout is only 4 minutes (8 minutes with rest periods).  But that’s really the idea.  If you’re willing to push yourself for just 4 minutes, 5x per week, you may see some significant changes in your fitness level.

If you’ve tried interval training, or decide to give it a try, I invite you to post about your experience in the comments section.

Here’s another option. We put a person in an MRI imaging machine for 5 minutes and ask them to think/experience love in their mind and body. We scan their brain every two seconds and we evaluate the computer imaging. The person with the highest score in the parts of the brain that we identify as the brain’s “love centers” is the winner. Not particularly romantic. It assumes that love is most clearly measured by an internal experience and not by the person’s behavior or conduct at all. It’s a rather strange idea. Well . . . someone actually did it! They made a film of the project called The Love Competition. Is this how we measure a person’s capacity to love? Watch the film and see what you think.

The Love Competition from Brent Hoff on Vimeo.

The Love Competition from Brent Hoff on Vimeo.

In the extensive interviews with thriving couples that I conducted for my second book, The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (Jossey-Bass), I found over and over one outstanding quality that separated couples who thrive from couples who don’t.

It wasn’t that happy couples all came from stable, loving homes. It wasn’t that happy couples all had excellent communication skills. What happy couples had that set them apart was a spirit of good will.

What is Good Will in Your Relationship?

Good will is an overall feeling of generosity toward your partner. It is the attitude, “I am on your side, no matter what. I am your ally, not your adversary.” When you approach a situation with a spirit of good will, it means you value your relationship far more than whatever problems were caused by this one small incident. You are willing to acknowledge that your partner’s annoying habit or point of view, even when you don’t agree with it, might have some validity for him or her. You realize that positive, spontaneous acts of thoughtfulness are important expressions of love. You understand that love has nothing to do with fairness. Love is love. The more you give it away, the more you receive.

What is the Purpose of your Relationship?

Ask yourself, “What is the purpose of this relationship? What are my goals for this relationship?”

Is your purpose to get your partner to be more considerate or less controlling?
Is your purpose to get the living room painted light green when your partner wants to leave it white?
Is your purpose to be sure your partner takes fair responsibility around the house?

Probably not. Most likely, your overall, guiding purpose is to create a relationship that supports you both, that makes your burdens lighter because you don’t have to carry them by yourself. It is to enjoy your lives together, to keep alive the love and excitement that brought you together in the first place. Your purpose may be to nurture your love so that it overflows beyond the two of you, enabling you to champion those who need you, your children, your other passions in the world.

To operate on a foundation of good will is to keep the true purpose of your relationship in mind, especially in times of stress or conflict. It means keeping the difficulties you encounter in perspective. In the grand scheme of things, how important are they really? It means believing you can work through even the most difficult challenge. When the current stress or obstacle is long behind you, will your love have been strengthened of diminished by it?

The answers depend on your ability to maintain a spirit of good will toward your partner, instead of a spirit of “Am I going to get my needs met? Am I going to get my fair share?” (Of course you have to pay attention to those needs also, as we shall see in more detail, but only in a general atmosphere of good will.)

Excerpted Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page. Susan is a leading expert on Relationships and the author of four books on this subject. She will be a special guest in the upcoming Renewing Your Relationship distance learning program, sponsored by the ToDo Institute.