We all know how soothing music can be. The right music can make all the difference when our nerves are frazzled or our bodyminds are exhausted. Why does music touch us on such a deep level?

Research has proven that music triggers the release of dopamine, the pleasure chemical. In fact, when we listen to our favorite music, our pupils dilate, our pulse rises and blood gets redirected to the muscles in our legs. Our bodies are primed for dancing or at least some serious toe tapping when we hear the music we love.

But music provides other benefits beyond delight. It helps us with memory recall. By stimulating the hippocampus it makes it easier for us to access what we learned previously. It creates physiological changes, such as increasing our level of antibodies, which in turn strengthen our immune system. It can help us to function better when anxious, and to relax when we’re too wired up.

Music adds to our quality of life in so many ways, some of which we now understand and others which remain mysterious. Read more about the wonders of music here .

A small tweak can create a big shift. It’s hard to remember this when dealing with a problem that seems huge and unwieldy. When we feel oppressed by the weight of a growing challenge, we may try to muster the strength to tackle it head on, to counter the momentum of the problem with an equal amount of force . . . but we may never be quite up to that. That’s when we feel helpless and vulnerable.

So let’s think about how we can disrupt this downward spiral right here and now, with a minimum of force and a light touch. Let’s engage the mindful use of attention and behavior to tweak a big shift in our lives and our relationships.

We all know how it goes –a problem develops in a relationship and takes on a life of its own. The more we think about it, talk about it and focus on it, the more it grows, until it dominates the relationship, reducing it to one big unsolvable problem.

As the problem(s) take up more space, other things are overshadowed, overlooked and devalued. Even forgotten. Of course we need to problem solve and address problems from time to time, but if we let them saturate the relationship, we’re in trouble. While some problems can certainly be solved, other problems will not be — irreconcilable differences exist in virtually all relationships in some form.

The point is that problems aren’t any more real than blessings — they just come with more of a charge which we find hard to resist.

It’s our job to be aware of this tendency and to shift our attention in a mindful and deliberate way to what is going right and how we are being supported. This simple and gentle practice can go far toward turning a troubled relationship around, even a relationship with challenging problems.

The issue of attention is key in relationships, as Jim Roberts, author of Deliberate Love, explains. “I believe that where there is a problem in a relationship it is always a problem of attention and that virtually any problem can be resolved with a redirection of attention.”

Every year we experiment with practices such as this in our Renewing your Relationship distance learning program. We can learn new ways of being together. Big shifts are possible from small tweaks day by day. May we each have the presence of mind to recognize the opportunities as they arise and to respond with heart in the moment.

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”
– Frederick Buechner

A healthy 19-year old man from a nearby town died unexpectedly a few days ago after an accident while hiking in the woods. I didn’t know this young man (let’s call him Brian) or his family, but his death has sent ripples through my life. For many of the high school students here, this tragedy represents their first personal experience with death and the lesson is shocking. We are all temporary. Life is delicate. Anything can happen.

So we are all in the same boat, so to speak. None of us knows who will wake up tomorrow and who won’t. What are we to do and how are we to live, given the tenuous nature of our lives and the lives of our loved ones?

Death opens our hearts and helps us to remember to be kind. At least it can. That is why we use the name “Thirty Thousand Days” for this blog and for our quarterly publication. Not to be morbid or preoccupied with death, but to be joyful and appreciative of every day we are given.

So in honor of Brian, I will offer 19 gestures of kindness to the world — one for each year of his life. Whose death, or recent hardship, has touched your life? I invite you to join me in making symbolic but meaningful gestures of love and kindness, in the face of death and in the shadow of tragedy.

After my cousin was killed in the World Trade Center, his family channeled their sorrow and loss into a positive funnel of support for others by creating the Let Us Do Good Foundation. We need to respond to the tragedies that touch us with as much heart as we can muster. Then they were not for naught – something positive grew that may not have grown otherwise.

Buechner’s words offer some comfort and guidance for all of us:

“When you remember me, it means you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.”

The holidays pose so many opportunities for us to clarify who we are and how we want to live. Just think about the gift-giving aspect alone — how many presents should we give our kids? How many is enough? How many is too many? Should we push our budget into overdrive or hold firm to our limits? Should we give hand-made gifts to our siblings, even if we risk creating tension and confusion, or head to the mall for a JC Penney special?

There are so many potential areas of conflict between partners, parents, and loved ones of all sorts, as we make our way through the holiday season, each of us with our own perspective, expectations, values and histories. Let’s be gentle with each other as the holiday unfolds and look for moments to savor and to appreciate.

Where will be find these moments? Are they automatically revealed when presents are opened? Will a mountain of holiday gifts translate into a mountain of appreciation? We all know that life is not always this simple. In fact, it could be argued that the more we have, the less we savor. At least sometimes that’s the case. Factor in a simmering sense of entitlement, and our sense of appreciation can become jaded. A tendency to compare our gifts with others can breed resentment. There are so many factors that can detract from our ability to savor and appreciate the gifts of life. What to do?

A sense of gratitude doesn’t develop overnight, but in our everyday lives we can bring our family’s attention to what we have rather than what we lack. We can take moments, here and there, to recognize our good fortune and the support that holds our lives together. For example, before dinner we can pause to think about our day, with a question such as “who helped us have a good day today?” Our family often considers this question, with each person identifying someone who played a positive role in the unfolding of the day. Perhaps Bi’s friend gave her a piece of gum. Or Chani’s basketball coach took time to help her with her shooting. Maybe one of our members sent along some kind words to me, or our lovedog, Barley, made us laugh with his mouth overflowing with toys. The more we can direct our attention to what’s going right, the more normal it starts to feel, carrying through to the holiday season.

When our girls were young we introduced an element of mindfulness on Christmas morning, which did not seem to detract from the fun – in fact, it added significance and elevated the importance of each gift. After examining the intriguing and beautifully wrapped gifts under our tree, we would take turns giving the spotlight to one of us at a time. That person would unwrap one of their mysteries while the rest of us gave them our attention. That was our opportunity to savor each present as it entered our family. After the gift had been examined and admired, and a word of thanks was offered (even to absent gift-givers), the next person would select theirs and on we’d go.

The process of opening gifts this way takes longer, but why would we want to rush through this long-anticipated special time? We all know that things don’t bring us happiness. We get used to them quickly, the thrill wears off fast, and we’re on to the next thing that we’d love to own. But the act of giving gifts is a lovely process. It’s our symbolic way of saying “I love you and want you to be happy”. And even though the glow fades quickly, there can be a brief burst of happiness when we acquire those new things. It’s the getting of things that holds most of the excitement, not the having of things. So if we’re going to do an exchange of gifts, we might as well highlight those moments and make the most of them.

On the heels of the holidays is a new year. “Hard to believe another year has passed so quickly.” is a common refrain these days. We can’t slow down the clock or budge the calendar, but we can find ways of savoring our moments so that we inhabit them more fully, rather than racing through them. That creates an expansiveness that seems to enhance our time. We can direct our attention to the moment that’s unfolding and create a greater likelihood of gratitude and awareness. We’ve mentioned elsewhere about our process of decorating the tree, again with an attempt to bring significance and meaning to the process.

We’d love to hear about your own ideas and experiences for savoring and appreciating the holidays.

Enjoy your gifts. Give to others. Be the gift yourself.
Happy Holidays!

We all have a natural default, a way of being that arises naturally for us when we are not making a concerted effort to be different. My Uncle Donald was “born neat”, I’m told. He always took meticulous care of his toys when he was young, putting each one away carefully in their original box or container when he was finished playing. He took care of his tools in a similar way when he got older. And still, at 84 years old, he is taking beautiful care of his home and yard. That is his natural default in regard to the tangible world of his possessions. To do anything different would feel strange and unnatural for him.

My default looks a bit different. Without a deliberate plan in mind, an exercise to work with, or a routine in place, I can quickly wreak havoc in my environment as I follow my ideas and impulses, leaving a trail of unfinished business behind. Though I wholeheartedly aspire to take care of my things with all of the love, care and attention they deserve, I can get distracted from this goal if I am not making a deliberate and conscious effort to remember it and follow through. I am tugged in many directions at any one time.

Can our defaults change over time? Absolutely. And thank goodness — some of our natural defaults can be dangerous for ourselves or others. Sometimes, through our own ongoing efforts, we can internalize the changes we’d like to make and new defaults will really and truly take root in our lives. But during times of stress, when we are exhausted, anxious and distracted by numerous demands, our original default settings can try to seize the opportunity to resume the controls again.

When we have slipped back to our old way of doing things, after lots of effort to change ourselves, it’s hard not to feel defeated. We should be able to do better. Why can’t we maintain our progress? Haven’t we learned anything? But Pema Chodron hit the nail right on the head when she pointed out that “things come together and they fall apart . . .” This is the natural way of the world. We ride the waves of our lives, both the crests and the troughs of the waves, as things come together for a while, and fall apart for a while.

Recognizing this pattern as natural can help us to find compassion for ourselves and others when we periodically flounder. And there’s something very important to be said for the humility that this floundering can stimulate. In fact, this humility can temper our high-powered drive to perfect, shape, mold, modify and stretch ourselves day and night, to erase any sign of flaws, weaknesses or limitations. It can help to temper our grandiose notions of who we might become and lead us, instead, to the reality of who we are, and how we are blessed, despite our shortcomings. What a radical notion it is to accept and relax into our humanity.

And the more we acknowledge the truth of our lives, the easier this is to do. That is why I aspire to be as transparent as I can. So I’d like to say that I lost my rhythm with some of my own routines, during a very busy period of time. I’m putting them back together now and though some are better than before the busy wave hit, others are more stubborn . . . but nothing’s wrong. It’s the rise and the fall. The coming together and the falling apart.

That’s the dance that we’re all part of for thirty thousand days or so – as our lives and jobs and relationships rise and fall and rise anew, as we reinvent the steps along the way. Our weaknesses and defaults are woven into the dance. We don’t need to become perfect or even special to be good dancers. We just need to become good partners with those who are dancing with us. We need to learn how to dance together, with all of our quirks and styles and syncopations, as we rise and fall, separately and together. That is the wild, heartbreaking, exquisite challenge we all face.

When relationships are new, everything seems possible.  The terrain that you cover together seems lush, inviting and easy to navigate.

But at some point, little grooves may begin to develop on your path, as the two of you spend time together, being who you are, with your own quirks, habits and norms.  At first these grooves are not a problem, but gradually you become less sure-footed, as they begin to trip you and to require  attention to navigate.  Little hills and barriers also form as you make your way together.  You start to know where these obstacles are, and anticipate them as you make your way around.  While sometimes you may hop over them, or gracefully sidestep them, other times you may kick at them or stamp your feet.  Eventually, as these territorial landmarks grow and deepen, you may become disillusioned and frustrated.  What happened to that beautiful, inviting plot of land that you set out on together?

Actually, we don’t need to be in an intimate relationship to know this kind of pattern — a similar process can occur on a macro level with life itself, as we make our way around.  If we are not careful, the potholes and barriers that develop, as we interact with life, can come to dominate our experience.  In an effort to address them, we may ruminate about them, analyze them, and talk about them.   Despite our best efforts, they may or may not budge.

But the more we focus on our struggles, the less we focus on the blessings and gifts that are also part of our lives.  The blessings and gifts are just as real as the problems, but they don’t necessarily carry a charge with them.   Though they line the paths of our life each day, they may not reach out and grab us by the throat.  If we allow our attention to be tugged and pulled by the emotional charge that accompanies our problems, our blessings and gifts may never really come into focus in our lives.  When this happens, our spirit suffers and our relationship with life becomes distorted and strained.

The ToDo Institute has developed a truly unique program that addresses this aspect of human nature.  Gratitude, Grace & a Month of Self-Reflection  is a powerful distance learning program that will provide structure and guidance for cultivating appreciation in our lives – not some vague and distant sense of appreciation, but a rich, specific, heartwarming connection with the supports and gifts that line our lives each day.  This program has the potential to transform your relationships and your experience of being alive.

The program begins on Thursday, November 10, 2011.    Please join us and a rich community of fellow-travelers, as we navigate the rich and complex paths of life together.