The following essay is a guest post by author, Susan Page.

In the extensive interviews with thriving couples that I conducted for my second book, The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive (Jossey-Bass), I found over and over one outstanding quality that separated couples who thrive from couples who don’t.

It wasn’t that happy couples all came from stable, loving homes. It wasn’t that happy couples all had excellent communication skills. What happy couples had that set them apart was a spirit of good will.

What is Good Will in Your Relationship?

Good will is an overall feeling of generosity toward your partner. It is the attitude, “I am on your side, no matter what. I am your ally, not your adversary.” When you approach a situation with a spirit of good will, it means you value your relationship far more than whatever problems were caused by this one small incident. You are willing to acknowledge that your partner’s annoying habit or point of view, even when you don’t agree with it, might have some validity for him or her. You realize that positive, spontaneous acts of thoughtfulness are important expressions of love. You understand that love has nothing to do with fairness. Love is love. The more you give it away, the more you receive.

What is the Purpose of your Relationship?

Ask yourself, “What is the purpose of this relationship? What are my goals for this relationship?”

Is your purpose to get your partner to be more considerate or less controlling?
Is your purpose to get the living room painted light green when your partner wants to leave it white?
Is your purpose to be sure your partner takes fair responsibility around the house?

Probably not. Most likely, your overall, guiding purpose is to create a relationship that supports you both, that makes your burdens lighter because you don’t have to carry them by yourself. It is to enjoy your lives together, to keep alive the love and excitement that brought you together in the first place. Your purpose may be to nurture your love so that it overflows beyond the two of you, enabling you to champion those who need you, your children, your other passions in the world.

To operate on a foundation of good will is to keep the true purpose of your relationship in mind, especially in times of stress or conflict. It means keeping the difficulties you encounter in perspective. In the grand scheme of things, how important are they really? It means believing you can work through even the most difficult challenge. When the current stress or obstacle is long behind you, will your love have been strengthened of diminished by it?

The answers depend on your ability to maintain a spirit of good will toward your partner, instead of a spirit of “Am I going to get my needs met? Am I going to get my fair share?” (Of course you have to pay attention to those needs also, as we shall see in more detail, but only in a general atmosphere of good will.)

Excerpted Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page. Susan is a leading expert on Relationships and the author of four books on this subject. She will be a special guest in the upcoming Renewing Your Relationship distance learning program, sponsored by the ToDo Institute.

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.”
- Leo Tolstoy, in Anna Karenina

When we think of perfectionism, we usually think of trying to be perfect. But perhaps the most dangerous element of perfectionism is the expectation that others should be perfect, as mentioned by the Unitarian minister Rev. Penny Rather:

Being a perfectionist is not about being perfect; it’s about trying to be perfect or expecting perfection from others. . . And even as we are intent on seeking perfection and improving ourselves, we also seem bent on doing the same with others. Our neighbors. Our partners. Our children. Shouldn’t they enjoy the benefit of our wisdom when they are deciding how to live their lives?

Expecting perfection usually means we expect someone to fit into our model of what we think they should do and be. When they don’t fit our model, either because they made a mistake or are simply being themselves, then we focus on their “imperfections.” This attention to what we label as “imperfections” then becomes the basis for how they should change, and, quite often, drives our efforts to “fix” our partners, family members and friends.

For many years I was driven to try to “fix” my mom. She seemed to complain about everything and never see anything positive in the world or her life. One day I was visiting her in Chicago and we were driving home from an afternoon at the horse races (her favorite pastime). She was complaining about something and I interrupted her and said,

“Do you realize that you constantly complain? Can’t you ever look at the good side of anything?”

She looked at me sideways, with a rather frustrated expression on her face and said,

“Maybe I like complaining.”

In that moment I had an epiphany. She was being who she was. She was doing a perfect job of being my complaining mother. The mother that also changed my diapers and encouraged me to play the piano. There was nobody else like her in the whole universe. She didn’t need to change at all. I NEEDED TO CHANGE. I needed to stop judging her and stop trying to make her become someone else. From my perspective, I thought I was helping because it seemed like she was miserable so much of the time. But I realized that my attitude and actions towards her WERE ADDING TO HER MISERY.

I couldn’t make her happy, but I could certainly stop adding to her suffering by trying to make her something she wasn’t.

In the brief essay below, Kaaren Anderson comes to a similar conclusion about her grandmother, after her grandmothers death:

Best described as stout, there was nothing unhurried about her. The skin under her arms swung in pendulum force when she moved. My grandmother. Far from a slave to fashion, she nonetheless cared about her appearance, wearing a full-corseted girdle daily. She wasn’t ugly or beautiful, yet she sported a quick, one-sided mischievous grin that always kept you guessing as to her womanly guises. She was a klutz of enormous proportions. . . . A woman who looked like a grandmother at thirty.

~ Kaaren Solveig Anderson, Ms. Perfect

Thank you Kaaren, for reminding us how to appreciate another human being for who they are. Thank you mom, for tolerating my arrogant efforts to fix you all those years and still loving me. Thank you Abbie (my daughter) for being such a free spirit, which I too often label as disobedience or inattentiveness.

Once we cease trying to make everyone perfect, perhaps we will get a glimpse of what perfection really is.
_______________________
Your relationship deserves your attention, if you want it to thrive. Join the ToDo Institute’s upcoming course, Renewing Your Relationship, for a fresh new approach to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Starts February 17, 2012.

There are few things more challenging than trying to sustain a long-term intimate relationship. Generally, we think of the challenges as money, sex, kids, in-laws, fidelity and habits. Most marital problems fall into one or more of these categories.

But if you are willing to consider your relationship as an element of your own spiritual practice, then I would like to offer you a different framework for the challenges in your relationship.

1. The Challenge of Acceptance
Letting go of trying to control how life unfolds and accepting your partner rather than trying to fix him or her;
2. The Challenge of Co-existing with Your Thoughts and Feelings (without acting on them)
Developing the self-discipline to have a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings on the inside without necessarily acting on them;
3. The Challenge of Skillful Attention
Cultivating an authentic sense of gratitude by noticing how you are supported and cared for, rather than what aggravates you;
4. The Challenge of Self-reflection
Using your relationship as an opportunity for examining your own conduct and taking responsibility, rather than blaming and criticizing your partner.

These challenges match up exactly to the skills I discuss in my book, A Natural Approach to Mental Wellness. If we can figure out a way to cope skillfully with each of these challenges, we have the potential not only for a successful relationship, but to develop character and move forward on our own spiritual or religious path. This is not an easy path.

“For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

Several years ago I made a presentation for the One World Library Project in Bristol, Vermont on the theme, Cultivating a Sense of Gratitude in Relationships. Here’s a ten minute “short version” of my presentation, which specifically touches on the challenge of self-reflection and the importance of cultivating a sense of appreciation for our partners.

One of the forces that works against our ability to cultivate gratitude is familiarity. We get used to what our partner does for us. And as we become accustomed to what they do, a sense of expectation grows. It’s a lot like turning on the light switch in the bathroom. You walk through the door, turn on the switch, the light goes on, and you do what you came there to do. How often do you think, after you hit the switch, “wow, how nice that the light went on so I can see.” You probably don’t pay attention to the bathroom light at all until . . . . . it stops working. Then you express your frustration and disappointment as you go look for a new bulb.

Equation #1
Familiarity + Expectation = Absence of Gratitude

Equation #2
Expectation – Fulfillment of Expectation = Disappointment/Frustration

These are not formulae for a successful relationship with your partner, though it may work alright for your bathroom lighting.

February is the month when we celebrate Valentine’s Day, so I’ll be posting some additional ideas related to the challenges of marriage and intimate relationships. The ToDo Institute is also sponsoring a distance learning program called, Renewing Your Relationship, which starts on February 17, 2012. My wife is teaching the course and besides having over twenty years of experience in Japanese Psychology, she has the credential of having had to deal with me for the past twenty years. That’s no small accomplishment.

The New Year often brings a wonderful energy for change, but it easily gets lost in resolutions which ultimately are abandoned. Resolutions are not the best way to move forward. Without the development of a more purpose-centered approach to life, resolutions almost never succeed. So as you consider what you want to do with your life this year, here are ten areas to which you can devote some of your beginning-of-the-year energy:

1. Exercise
We are evolving into a society of couch potatoes. Obesity is an epidemic. When you think “technology” think “not moving.” So moving your body around more this year is one of the best changes you can make. It not only helps you get fit, it’s a natural anti-depressant.

2. Simplify – Reduce Your Stuff
We’re taught to equate “more” with success. So it takes a shift in paradigm to realize that the more stuff you have, the more complicated your life is. Surplus clothing, old toys, books, magazines and bank statements from ten years ago are taking up physical and mental space in your life.

3. Set Direction
At the beginning of my workshops I often ask people to identify their three most important accomplishments of the past year. Many people say it was an accomplishment just getting through the year. There’s more to be done than just stay alive. Dream. Prioritize. Take action on what’s important.

4. Learn to Do Something New
Getting older is no excuse to stop learning. Studies show that if you want to keep your mind sharp you have to keep learning out of the box. Challenge your mind this year.


5. Reduce or Eliminate TV Time
If you knew you that this year was to be your last, how much of your time would you want to spend in front of a TV? Be very selective and find other ways to relax and be entertained.

6. Improve Your Attention Skills
In Japanese Psychology we have a maxim, “Your experience of life is not based on your life, but on what you pay attention to.” Learn how to direct your attention instead of just letting it go wherever it wants to. (Resource – audio program – Life is a Matter of Attention)

7. Give Yourself Away
Look for opportunities to help someone or make a contribution to someone outside your family. Express appreciation. Make someone’s day. More fun that watching TV (see #5)

8. Make Time for Self-reflection
The balance in our lives should be between active/reflective not active/passive. Take some time to reflect on your day, year, life. I wrote a book on this – Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-reflection (Stone Bridge Press).

9. Finish Something That is Unfinished
Get rid of some psychological clutter: a half-written novel, a half-painted bedroom, a not-quite-learned sonata on the piano. Bring a project to fruition.

10. Take a Risk
When author Richard Leider interviewed more than 1,000 senior citizens they said that if they could live their lives over again they would take more risks. The real risk is letting your dream die without ever trying to make it real.

Most people won’t keep their New Year’s resolutions for very long. It’s difficult to break free from the momentum of the past. Purpose and perseverance are critical. We need to shift away from a feeling-centered life and live with more purpose. I invite you to join me on January 9, 2012 for the distance learning course, Living on Purpose. We’ll spend 30 days finding our purposes and learning how to stay on track. It’s a great way to start the year.

This is the short version of Gregg Krech’s essay, Ten Changes to Start You Off on the Right Track in the New Year. The full version is available here. Gregg Krech is a leading authority on Japanese Psychology and has written several books including, A Natural Approach to Mental Wellness. He is the Director of the ToDo Institute in Vermont and the Editor of Thirty Thousand Days: A Journal for Purposeful Living.