We all know how soothing music can be. The right music can make all the difference when our nerves are frazzled or our bodyminds are exhausted. Why does music touch us on such a deep level?

Research has proven that music triggers the release of dopamine, the pleasure chemical. In fact, when we listen to our favorite music, our pupils dilate, our pulse rises and blood gets redirected to the muscles in our legs. Our bodies are primed for dancing or at least some serious toe tapping when we hear the music we love.

But music provides other benefits beyond delight. It helps us with memory recall. By stimulating the hippocampus it makes it easier for us to access what we learned previously. It creates physiological changes, such as increasing our level of antibodies, which in turn strengthen our immune system. It can help us to function better when anxious, and to relax when we’re too wired up.

Music adds to our quality of life in so many ways, some of which we now understand and others which remain mysterious. Read more about the wonders of music here .

A small tweak can create a big shift. It’s hard to remember this when dealing with a problem that seems huge and unwieldy. When we feel oppressed by the weight of a growing challenge, we may try to muster the strength to tackle it head on, to counter the momentum of the problem with an equal amount of force . . . but we may never be quite up to that. That’s when we feel helpless and vulnerable.

So let’s think about how we can disrupt this downward spiral right here and now, with a minimum of force and a light touch. Let’s engage the mindful use of attention and behavior to tweak a big shift in our lives and our relationships.

We all know how it goes –a problem develops in a relationship and takes on a life of its own. The more we think about it, talk about it and focus on it, the more it grows, until it dominates the relationship, reducing it to one big unsolvable problem.

As the problem(s) take up more space, other things are overshadowed, overlooked and devalued. Even forgotten. Of course we need to problem solve and address problems from time to time, but if we let them saturate the relationship, we’re in trouble. While some problems can certainly be solved, other problems will not be — irreconcilable differences exist in virtually all relationships in some form.

The point is that problems aren’t any more real than blessings — they just come with more of a charge which we find hard to resist.

It’s our job to be aware of this tendency and to shift our attention in a mindful and deliberate way to what is going right and how we are being supported. This simple and gentle practice can go far toward turning a troubled relationship around, even a relationship with challenging problems.

The issue of attention is key in relationships, as Jim Roberts, author of Deliberate Love, explains. “I believe that where there is a problem in a relationship it is always a problem of attention and that virtually any problem can be resolved with a redirection of attention.”

Every year we experiment with practices such as this in our Renewing your Relationship distance learning program. We can learn new ways of being together. Big shifts are possible from small tweaks day by day. May we each have the presence of mind to recognize the opportunities as they arise and to respond with heart in the moment.

“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”
– Frederick Buechner

A healthy 19-year old man from a nearby town died unexpectedly a few days ago after an accident while hiking in the woods. I didn’t know this young man (let’s call him Brian) or his family, but his death has sent ripples through my life. For many of the high school students here, this tragedy represents their first personal experience with death and the lesson is shocking. We are all temporary. Life is delicate. Anything can happen.

So we are all in the same boat, so to speak. None of us knows who will wake up tomorrow and who won’t. What are we to do and how are we to live, given the tenuous nature of our lives and the lives of our loved ones?

Death opens our hearts and helps us to remember to be kind. At least it can. That is why we use the name “Thirty Thousand Days” for this blog and for our quarterly publication. Not to be morbid or preoccupied with death, but to be joyful and appreciative of every day we are given.

So in honor of Brian, I will offer 19 gestures of kindness to the world — one for each year of his life. Whose death, or recent hardship, has touched your life? I invite you to join me in making symbolic but meaningful gestures of love and kindness, in the face of death and in the shadow of tragedy.

After my cousin was killed in the World Trade Center, his family channeled their sorrow and loss into a positive funnel of support for others by creating the Let Us Do Good Foundation. We need to respond to the tragedies that touch us with as much heart as we can muster. Then they were not for naught – something positive grew that may not have grown otherwise.

Buechner’s words offer some comfort and guidance for all of us:

“When you remember me, it means you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.”

The New Year often brings a wonderful energy for change, but it easily gets lost in resolutions which ultimately are abandoned. Resolutions are not the best way to move forward. Without the development of a more purpose-centered approach to life, resolutions almost never succeed. So as you consider what you want to do with your life this year, here are ten areas to which you can devote some of your beginning-of-the-year energy:

1. Exercise
We are evolving into a society of couch potatoes. Obesity is an epidemic. When you think “technology” think “not moving.” So moving your body around more this year is one of the best changes you can make. It not only helps you get fit, it’s a natural anti-depressant.

2. Simplify – Reduce Your Stuff
We’re taught to equate “more” with success. So it takes a shift in paradigm to realize that the more stuff you have, the more complicated your life is. Surplus clothing, old toys, books, magazines and bank statements from ten years ago are taking up physical and mental space in your life.

3. Set Direction
At the beginning of my workshops I often ask people to identify their three most important accomplishments of the past year. Many people say it was an accomplishment just getting through the year. There’s more to be done than just stay alive. Dream. Prioritize. Take action on what’s important.

4. Learn to Do Something New
Getting older is no excuse to stop learning. Studies show that if you want to keep your mind sharp you have to keep learning out of the box. Challenge your mind this year.


5. Reduce or Eliminate TV Time
If you knew you that this year was to be your last, how much of your time would you want to spend in front of a TV? Be very selective and find other ways to relax and be entertained.

6. Improve Your Attention Skills
In Japanese Psychology we have a maxim, “Your experience of life is not based on your life, but on what you pay attention to.” Learn how to direct your attention instead of just letting it go wherever it wants to. (Resource – audio program – Life is a Matter of Attention)

7. Give Yourself Away
Look for opportunities to help someone or make a contribution to someone outside your family. Express appreciation. Make someone’s day. More fun that watching TV (see #5)

8. Make Time for Self-reflection
The balance in our lives should be between active/reflective not active/passive. Take some time to reflect on your day, year, life. I wrote a book on this – Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-reflection (Stone Bridge Press).

9. Finish Something That is Unfinished
Get rid of some psychological clutter: a half-written novel, a half-painted bedroom, a not-quite-learned sonata on the piano. Bring a project to fruition.

10. Take a Risk
When author Richard Leider interviewed more than 1,000 senior citizens they said that if they could live their lives over again they would take more risks. The real risk is letting your dream die without ever trying to make it real.

Most people won’t keep their New Year’s resolutions for very long. It’s difficult to break free from the momentum of the past. Purpose and perseverance are critical. We need to shift away from a feeling-centered life and live with more purpose. I invite you to join me on January 9, 2012 for the distance learning course, Living on Purpose. We’ll spend 30 days finding our purposes and learning how to stay on track. It’s a great way to start the year.

This is the short version of Gregg Krech’s essay, Ten Changes to Start You Off on the Right Track in the New Year. The full version is available here. Gregg Krech is a leading authority on Japanese Psychology and has written several books including, A Natural Approach to Mental Wellness. He is the Director of the ToDo Institute in Vermont and the Editor of Thirty Thousand Days: A Journal for Purposeful Living.